Don't Give Up

Affinity hides within the walls of her hideout. Hoping everyone stays away. She feels out of control, like her powers may explode any moment. She can't let that happen again. She did so much damage last time. She'd thought being able to hold others' emotions would be a great help, an asset to the superhero team. But everyone wants you to hold their dark emotions. And they never want them back, they get heavy to hold after a while, and emotions will eventually demand to be felt.

Affinity is feeling everything today, and she is spent. As she gets older, the more unfair it seems to her that she can't control when she takes people's emotions. "It hardly seems right that the other heroes can give me their bad emotions in battle, and I can't give them up."

She squeezes her hands into fists and looks, feels her nails dig into her palm. "I need a release and I need it now." She closes her eyes and tries an exercise that her therapist told her to try. She pictures a grave road and imagines herself running. She tries to feel the wind, the burning in her legs and arms, her lungs desperate for air. She imagines the dirt road ending at a lake. She pictures herself diving into the water, the cold water shocking her system and claiming her, and for a fleeting moment, it worked.

As she opens her eyes, she is met by a cloud of dark emotions. Affinity feels so small, tears burn in her eyes. "I can't do this anymore.” She watches as the dark cloud gets closer and gets ready to engulf her. She is out of fight, and maybe it will be better than this. She closes her eyes, maybe she’ll become the villain, and they’ll know what it’s like to carry their own emotions.

"Affinity?" The voice sounds familiar, but she's too exhausted to open her eyes.

"Affinity!" The voice is shrill and gets closer.

A hand is placed on her shoulder, "Affinity?" the voice was softer now. "Can you hear me? It's me, Cinder Light. Your best friend!” Cinder Light tries to make it sound like she was joking, “We were supposed to go to the meeting together, remember? When you weren't on time, I assumed you got caught up in something. But then, you no-showed, which is very unlike you. And sorry, I kinda fried your control panel to get into your to get in here. Tho you didn't answer when I called, and I assumed something was wrong. So it’s really your fault.” She chuckles, then her tone drops, “I thought maybe something had malfunctioned, or you were hurt, but then I came in and saw you like this.”

Affinity forces her eyes open and feels her body tighten, tense as if she might snap. She can't move. The darkness is getting closer. How can Cinder not see it? “Affinity? What are you looking at so intensely?” Cinder stands up between her and the black cloud. Affinity watches her face where the black cloud should be, “There's nothing there. Are you strategizing? Is this how you get rid of the negative emotions? Because I've always wondered how you do that. You just seem to take them all the time. I assumed you had some sort of way of getting rid of them.” Cinder sits down facing her, taking her hands and hers, the warmth from Cinder's hands.

Slowly brings Affinity back to reality. She blinks. Still stiff. Not able to move, not able to talk. “Are you having a bad day again?” Cinder asks quietly. “You're supposed to call me when those happen. You know that I can't help you if I don't know?” Cinder waits for an answer, when Affinity barely moves, “You can't talk yet.”

Affinity blinks twice. They're signed for no.

“Okay, I'll ask you, yes, or no questions that until you find your voice, okay?” Cinder gets comfortable.

Affinity blinks once.

“Are you getting rid of the bad emotions you take for people?”

Two blinks.

“Okay – Can you? Get rid of them, that is, I don't think I've ever asked you that before.”

She blinks twice again.

“You can't?! What do you do with them?!” Her voice echoes through the hideouts.

Affinity stares at her.

“Right. Sorry, yes or no questions. You just hold on to them?” Cinder's voice is tense.

One blink.

“That would be so much to carry. Why have you never told me this?” Her voice echoes again. Affinity stares at her again, willing her voice to return.

“Alright, um, did you try to tell me before?”

Two blanks.

“Were you afraid I couldn't handle it?”

One blink?

“Affinity.” Cinder's voice is soft. She pulls her friend into a hug. Using her powers to warm them both. “I'm your friend. Both inside and outside of costume. You could tell me. Don’t you have control over when you take our emotions? Cuz, couldn't you just take less?”

“I can't control it. It just happens. Affinity's voice is soft, barely above a whisper. “I didn't know how to tell the team I didn't want to let them down. Everyone appreciates not dealing with their fears or their disappointments – the more negative sides of being a hero. And I thought I could learn to control it, but nobody ever wants to take them back. I think you have to willingly take it.”

“Do you take my emotions?” Cinder asked softly.

“Not on purpose. But yeah. Both inside out outside of the costume.”

“Is that why you started seeing a counsellor?” Cinder moves to sit beside her instead of across.

“Yeah. It’s why I started working out – running helps. But running burns, and it got to the point where I couldn’t outrun the feeling anymore. I tried drawing, painting, blasting music, and dancing. I tried all of that. None of it worked. Just got to be too much about to be so dark. I didn't know how to get rid of it.” Affinity shugs as if this is a normal thing.

“Your glass bottle can only hold so much Affinity,” Cinder says with a smile.

“Glass bottle?” Affinity tilts her head.

“Yeah, my mom taught me when I was a kid that there's only so much you can shove into a glass bottle before it shatters. Every time your glass bottle shatters, the new one is a little bit smaller. Until eventually everything will set you off. I had quite a temper when I was a kid. Remember?”

Affinity laughs, feeling lighter. “I do remember. I thought it got better because I was taking on more of your emotions against my will, I might add. People feeling their own feelings is important. I don't always mean to carry it for others, but sometimes I can't help it.” She holds out her hands.

“Is that how you talk about it with your counsellor?” Cinder asks gently.

“Yeah, I mean, I don't tell the superhero bit. But I talk about how I have a hard time letting other people carry their own emotions, and that I take them on. And I don't know how to just let people feel.”

“So what was happening when I walked in? Something to do with all this?” Cinder takes her hand, and Affinity leans on her shoulder.

“I’m not sure, to be honest. There was a big black cloud. I thought it was going to consume me alive, and I wasn't sure what would happen on the other end, but I was too tired. So tired.” Affinity's eyes feel heavy, and she fights off the sleep, trying to claim her.

“Maybe you need to take a break from the hero a bit.” Cinder offers.

“But I love helping the victims. I love giving the victims the ability to stand up for themselves, and their feelings don’t linger; it's like when they win. I don't hang on to that. It's the other Heroes that are the problem. Those who don't want to deal with the negative sides of being a hero. Even you do it sometimes. Everybody talks to me because I'm Affinity and I can handle everybody's emotions. I can take it and I’ll listen and I’ll take it for them.” She lets out a heavy sigh, “But I'm exhausted of holding everyone's emotions and nobody wanting to hear mine.”

“Affinity – I would have listened to you.” Cinder leans her head on Affinity’s.

“I know, but you have so much going on in your own life. How would you have space for mine?” Affinity starts drawing on Cinder's knee like she did when they were teens.

“Girl! We're superheroes and best friends in and out of costume. It's my job to take care of you. Just because I have a lot going on in my life doesn't mean I don't have room on my plate for a little bit of yours, too.”

Affinity looks at her best friend, “I'm sorry, I shouldn't have kept this from you.”

“Just don't do it again. Okay? I can't have my best friend turning over to the dark side because everybody else couldn't learn to deal with their own emotions. We should bring this up with the team leader. He needs to know that your power isn’t fully under control, and he can get the team to understand they can’t just unload on you.”

Affinity thinks, “Maybe he can get a counsellor to visit Headquarters while we are in costume so everyone could talk freely about their struggles.”

“Yeah! That would be great, maybe we can learn some more coupling mechanisms. I remember when you brought up the blinking system when your attacks took away your voice. Wait! Those attacks have been this whole dark emotion thing; you just didn't include that?!

“I didn't think I had to.” Affinity chuckles. “I thought you knew. I thought you understood with the whole hero thing. How hard was it?”

“I mean yea I understood that, but I thought you were okay… Being a hero is hard, sure, but I didn't realize you were carrying the entire City's negative emotions on your back!” Cinder lets out an exasperated sigh.

“Not the entire cities. Just our teams.” Affinity corrects.

“That's not any better.” Cinder laughs. “Come on, we're gonna go. We're gonna get out of the our superhero costumes. We're gonna go get some ice cream, and then tomorrow morning you're talking to our leader. I will come with you, and we are getting a better system in place because it is not your job to carry our team's emotions on your back. The team needs to know that you are not as in control of your powers as everyone thinks you are. This is not your job. And together, we're going to make sure that you get the help you need. No matter what.” Cinder stands up, holding out her hand.

Affinity takes her hand, “Thanks for finding me, Cinder.”

“Hey, what else are best friends for? If not to help, if not, to save you from yourself.” Cinder helps Affinity up.

And together the two young women leave, dressed as regular civilians, heading for the ice cream shop.

And for a little while, Affinity forgot all about the Dark Cloud that's sitting just beneath the surface.